E           A
Tonight at ten
                    C#m
The world's ending again
                     B
And we know why and when
               E
So you better watch
          A
We got a bit
                    C#m
With some feminist chick
             B
And also a picture
                 E
Of a Scarlet's crotch
            A
Two people died
             C#m
A double homicide
                      B
Their bodies found inside
              E
Of a wishing well
                    A
And we tackle the flaws
                  C#m
In these obesity laws
                         B
In this segment that's sponsored
         E
By Taco Bell

[Bridge 1]
            A
We've got violence,
         C#m
Danger, sex, and drugs
          B
And it's awesome
                    E
'Cause all of it's real
           A
We do the illusion of news
           C#m
And while you think
                     B
You're choosing the views
(No Chord)
That you feel

[Chorus]
A                              B
All of this and more and live, only on the Channel Five
E     C#m   G#m
News, ews, ews,
G#m
Only on the Channel Five (Repeat chorus starting from "Only" three more times)

(Spoken: "We've got Chip Walker, live at the scene, with breaking news! Chip, are you there?")

[Verse 2]
E             A
Chip Walker here
                 C#m
Am I coming in clear?
              B
I'm standing near
                      E
To the scene of the crime
                   A
This Iraqi guy's shop
                     C#m
Seemed a newsworthy spot
                          B
So we've been gathering shots here
                E
For quite some time
            A
Today real fast
                      C#m
The owner's daughter passed
                         B
We grabbed a shot of her ass
                     E
While the owner was near
                     A
Then he struck my chest
                     C#m
And now he's under arrest
                        B
And now you people have one less
        E
Man to fear

[Bridge 2]
               A
This family's angry, crying,
C#m
Sad, and lost
          B
And it's awesome
                    E
'Cause all of it's real
           A
We do the illusion of news
           C#m
And while you think
                     B
You're choosing the views
(No Chord)
That you feel

[Chorus]
A                              B
All of this and more and live, only on the Channel Five
E     C#m   G#m
News, ews, ews,
G#m
Only on the Channel Five (Repeat chorus starting from "Only" three more times)

(Spoken: "We now go to Max Stevens, with the weather for the weekend. What are we looking at here,
Max: umbrellas or picnic baskets?...Max?...Max!?"

(Continue playing the E, C#m, G#m, G#m while saying:
"We are experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by.")
(Spoken: "Alright, we got a signal. Cut to Max.")

[Verse 3]
               E
Good evening, hi
                  C#m
It's your weather guy
                D#
I advise you to buy
                   G#m
Another lightning rod
           E
We didn't catch
                  C#m
This impending disaster
            D#
Maybe it's natural
            G#m
Maybe it's God
             E
The sliding mud
               C#m
The incoming flood
                      D#
Will never wash the blood
                    G#m
From my greedy old hands!
              E
This job was fun
                     C#m
I had a pretty good run
                     D#
But I've never been one
                G#m
To give into demands

[Bridge 3]
           E
People are angry, crying,
C#m
Sad, and lost
          D#
And it's awful
                    G#m
'Cause all of it's real
           E
We do the illusion of news
           C#m
And while you think
                     D#
You're choosing the views

That you feel
D#
All of this and more all live
D#
Only on the Channel Five,
D#
Only on the Channel Five
D#
On-on-on-WE'D  BACK!